3. Why is Hodges both drawn to and hesitant to play Bach’s Chaconne?

[smkelly]

Hodges evocatively recounts her deep longing to play Bach's Chaconne and her difficulty with practicing it. For violinists, she writes, "it's the pinnacle of our repertoire."

Why does she feel so drawn to the piece, yet so reluctant to play it?

[erebus]

You can practice it but never perfect it.

Exceedingly long and solo so you have nobody to play off or hide behind.
It has many melodic counterpoint harmonies that require technical prowess, and so much stamina.
It's romantically associated with the loss of the composer's wife, and has a fairytale-like associated lore.

It is repetitive and morose. It seems lonely. It's parts repeat poetically, and allude to earlier passages, so it feels.. haunted. It's deep and evocative.

It's hard to play, and Classical musicians know it, so it is a demonstration of great prowess, and prestige, if one can pull it off well.

And spite is a great motivator.. when a mentor tells you you aren't good enough, and it doesn't fit with your own concept of self, you need to either change your own self-image, or fight for being better. You never want to have that one piece that has beaten you.

[Dee]

I can only reply as someone who is often called to speak in public, but has bad anxiety about it. You have a point to get across and you understand the dynamics of it, and even imagine how great you will do getting the point across. The day comes when you have to present but the nerves start going mad, you shakily walk up to the podium fighting what you know will happen, and when you open your mouth you freeze, or talk too softly, or tremor and words don't come out, even though that is not what you wanted to happen or thought would happen. I imagine it's similar for playing a piece of music. You have practiced and know the music, and can play it well by yourself, but as soon as you get to the venue and see all the people, you get nervous playing for so many. Your own energy changes and you start feeling like you will let someone down.

[erebus]

Dee wrote:
> The day comes when you have to present but the nerves start going
> mad, you shakily walk up to the podium fighting what you know will happen,
> and when you open your mouth you freeze, or talk too softly, or tremor and
> words don't come out, even though that is not what you wanted to happen or
> thought would happen.

I think this is definitely a thing where a lack of confidence makes you try to THINK things through, rather than feel them.
In any complex endeavour there is both the thinking and the feeling.

I once read that there are 4 stages of competence
1# unconscious incompetence : you know you don't know how and you don't know how to improve
2# conscious incompetence : you know what you OUGHT to be doing to get better, but it's beyond you just now
3# conscious competence : you know what to do, but you have to think your way through it
4# unconscious competence : what some people call mastery, or "Zen / no mind"; you feel it just come to you automatically - you got this.

(quick google on it gave me this)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_stages_of_competence

Anxiety messes up that connection between body and mind, or even just mind flow.. if you start to question in when you are in-the-zone, then you drop that flow and have to re-engage consciously to pick up the pieces (or play pizzicato because your bow is on the floor )

[Dee]

She likes the challenge and so that she can prove to herself that she can conquer something she finds so difficult. It could also be that she wants to prove her father wrong, or herself and her father, because neither of them believe in her abilities and talents.

[Lise Khokhlakov]

Some people live for a challenge, whether it's summiting Mt. Everest, perfecting Beef Wellington, or in Hodges’s case, mastering Bach’s Chaconne. It’s not just a piece of music. It’s her personal Everest. It demands time, heart, endurance, and complete vulnerability.

The Chaconne carries immense emotional and technical weight. It’s as much about soul as it is about skill. Hodges is drawn to its complexity and its history. She’s hesitant because playing it means confronting everything: her ambition, her grief, her self-doubt, and the voice of her father echoing in her memory. It’s not just about being “good enough” for the piece; it’s about being brave enough to meet it honestly.
I wonder, have any of you ever pursued something not because it was practical or likely to succeed, but because it called to you in a way you couldn’t ignore?

[Lise Khokhlakov]

Your point about the Chaconne feeling “haunted” really stuck with me. It echoes how grief and repetition twist together in the piece. And I loved the spite-as-motivation bit. Do you think that emotional fire (anger, defiance) helps or hinders mastery?

[Lise Khokhlakov]

Dee wrote:
> I can only reply as someone who is often called to speak in public, but has
> bad anxiety about it. You have a point to get across and you understand the
> dynamics of it, and even imagine how great you will do getting the point
> across. The day comes when you have to present but the nerves start going
> mad, you shakily walk up to the podium fighting what you know will happen,
> and when you open your mouth you freeze, or talk too softly, or tremor and
> words don't come out, even though that is not what you wanted to happen or
> thought would happen. I imagine it's similar for playing a piece of music.
> You have practiced and know the music, and can play it well by yourself,
> but as soon as you get to the venue and see all the people, you get nervous
> playing for so many. Your own energy changes and you start feeling like you
> will let someone down.
Your public speaking comparison is such a relatable lens. I loved how you described that shift from knowing to doing—that tension between imagined success and real nerves. Have you found any tricks to move past that freeze or make it feel like performance instead of pressure?

[lanlynk]

I imagine Hodges felt the same way writers do when they face a blank page at the beginning of a new work. They love their craft but also feel inadequate to express the inner vision that inspires them. Then there's the vulnerability and worry about how their efforts will be received by readers. Still, the vision drives them to try. The muse calls and will not be silenced.

To a lesser degree, I feel the same way when I get ready to start reading a new book. Even though I'm excited and looking forward to beginning, it takes me a while to dive in. I know the book will require me to become immersed, to lose myself in the story or ideas.

There are several things I do just for my own enjoyment or edification. Sometimes they have a practical purpose, but mostly they're private creative activities not intended to entertain or even share with others.

[Mher1]

I think Hodges is so drawn to the Chaccone because of how highly skilled one needs to be to play it. It seems like it’s equivalent to an Olympic gold medal for solo violinists. I feel the reluctance Hodges feels comes from those same reasons. That and once she succeeds at playing the Chaconne, what would be left to work for?